One more thing for the moms to do Oh goody! It’s almost Valentine’s Day at school! Dust off your creativity caps mamas (always the mamas, never the dadas) and fill your Xanax prescriptions! You get to spend your tiny shred of free time and your money buying 40+ crappy Valentine’s tchotchkes that your kids will inevitably despise and feel too embarrassed to give. It’s important to know that everything comes in packs of 24, so if you are the unlucky SOB whose kid has 25 in a cl

How I bombed a very basic question from my 10-yr old Give me the birds and the bees talk any old day. That’s child’s play. Penis, vagina, uterus, vulva, nutsack roll off my tongue with ease. I got puberty in the bag and am happy to share my script with you — For boys: you get hairy, smelly and horny.For girls: you bleed and develop murderous tendencies towards your family. Easy breezy. Explaining the great hereafter to young, curious, impressionable humans, however, is not my

It’s almost as painful as a date at a zoo Your new friend/acquaintance texts you to set up a playdate. Timmy and Ralph are becoming sweet little friends at school so this feels like a great idea. As a bonus, Ralph’s mom seems cool and you are excited to get to know her better. We all know how rare it is for the stars to align with kids’ friends’ parents. It’s like trying to find a book about rainbows in a Florida library. You offer to host the playdate at your house. You pani

My lack of willpower led me down a dark path The doorbell rings. I jump up, annoyed. Who is coming to the door without warning? I do my best creepy peep to find out, forgetting I have glass panels on each side of my front door. Two adorable small children dressed in matching brown dresses stand before me. Girl Scouts. Shit. I open the door because I am not Larry David. “Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?” they ask beaming, with adorable smiles plastered to their f

What I’ve learned taking care of my ailing mother over the past six months This past October, my 77-year old mother moved to an assisted living facility near me from upstate New York where she grew up — and lived for the past 20 years. She chose to move back to her childhood home where she experienced alarming trauma because that is the definition of healthy living. Her health took a nosedive last Spring creating insurmountable chaos for my sister and me — who very intentiona

You get what you deserve when you ignore the gospel of Tripadvisor Ahhh spring break. You twinkle in the distance — a glimmering star full of beach-side cat naps, frolicking children and colorful, umbrella-adorned elixirs. You charm us with your promises of rest and relaxation under swaying palm trees and gently, lapping azure waters. Warm beachside service and bountiful swim-up bars litter our dreams and stoke our imaginations. We made it — to a beautiful, remote island of t

Lucky me got both in one hospital stay I would never tell an expectant mother that nursing a baby is easy or instinctive. Unless you grew up in a multi-generational situation with hordes of extended family up in your business — nursing a baby might be as familiar as replacing your car’s transmission. After my first son was born and plopped onto my chest in front of what felt like a Medieval audience urging me on to let the lad suckle, I felt panic and sheer confusion. Not bei

The horror of watching my mom insult strangers My mom has been in a state of accelerated decline since experiencing significant health issues over the past year. One exciting aspect of her declining health is dementia, leaving a wake of awkwardness and destruction for me to deal with. I think dementia comes for us all at some point. Some get hit harder than others due to a wide array of factors. My mother’s reclusive lifestyle in a tiny mountain town that both time and hope a

Chaos ensues and it forgets stuff Easter always falls on a Sunday. Meaning the night before is a Saturday, most years. Good Easter bunnies stay home the night before Easter so they can responsibly fulfill their big, bunny duties. These duties include: arranging Pinterest-worthy homemade Easter baskets, decorating every inch of their den in soft pastels, dyeing and hiding six dozen Easter eggs, then stuffing another 1,400 plastic ones full of sugary delights. The bunny childre

My mother’s unusual way of showing affection My mother has always had a quirky way of showing affection. She wasn’t very huggy growing up and the words “I love you” seldom, if ever, left her lips. Sometimes I’ll say it to her now, just to make her squirm. Instead of using the typical affirmations we’re familiar with in 2024, like “Wow, good job!” or “I’m so proud of you!” or “You didn’t eat shit this time!” — she showed her affection by sending eclectic care packages when we

I only want one if I can name it myself As an online shopping addict, I’ve subscribed to my fair share of absurd junk mail lists — because who can resist that 15% off? Especially when it comes to ear muffs. Or dog booties. Or doggles. Or pigeon slippers. My email is a dense forest of shopping spam and I am rarely caught off guard by the weirdness of any of it. One thing I’ve never, EVER signed up for is a plant mailing list. Plants are lovely, but I want nothing to do with th

Who shall win this epic battle of wills? I have a growing collection of eye creams. Would you like to see it? The creams come in so many different shapes, sizes, colors, and false promises — and range in price from $8 to $dumbassgulliblebitch. The more expensive ones are nice because they come with instructions on how to harvest your gallbladder to cover the cost. They all claim to target different concerns — but none has claimed to target my crippling anxiety and mounting fe

My husband and I, their humble servants Parenting is such a beautiful thing. As parents, we give, we serve and we take orders from sunup ’til sundown. It is a splendidly selfless thing to be a parent. Every word from our sweet cherubs’ mouths reminds us why we were put on this earth in the first place. To be servants — day and night. Weekday and weekend. It is our humble obligation and honorable duty to swiftly meet the mounting demands and orders from those we serve, despite

Unsuccessfully navigating a suburban obstacle course It was one of those mornings. Lately, it’s always one of those mornings. The kind when you open your eyes and stare in disbelief at the time on your phone. The kind when you blame your egregious oversleep on a weird time change glitch. The kind where you throw on a sweatshirt over your cheese-stained pajamas and hop around banging pots and pans to wake your children who have no intention of exiting their beds. After 15 minu

We just need a massive time commitment from you and the contents of your bank account Dear Parents, We know it’s a busy time of year for all, so we’ll try to make this as easy as possible for you! We just need a few volunteers to oversee some end-of-year festivities. 22 per class would be ideal. You can sign up on this super complicated, AI-generated sign-up sheet! To help make this time feel extra festive for the kids, please come up with some games for each class that don’t

Motherhood would not work without a little help from my weird friends I’ve always been friends with the weird ones. The ones who march to a different beat, give zero shit’s about their shit from yesterday, think penguins and pangolins should be the same animal, and will argue their point until the wee hours of moppy hour (mom’s happy hour that ends promptly at 6 pm). My friends may or may not have last night’s dinner stuck in their teeth — yet look shockingly well put togethe

How I became an unintentional wedding crasher My phone chirped and I frantically picked it up, nearly dropping it. It was my boyfriend at the time, texting me some details about a family wedding he invited me to. We hadn’t been dating long and were navigating the obstacles of living in different states. It would also be the first time I would meet his entire family. I was nervous and excited. I was also 29 and unemployed — a fine specimen to show off to your extended family.

Leaving only her blanket and plastic cup of wine A small, tidy neighborhood deep in Suburban Austin has been rocked by the mysterious disappearance of one of its beloved residents. Around 8:50 am on Monday, a woman was out walking her dog when she stumbled upon the strange scene. An abandoned fleece blanket and a plastic cup of wine littered the otherwise empty sidewalk. The witness took a photo and posted it on the local Facebook page to find out to whom the items belonged.

The day that changed the course of insulin and landed me on every kid’s shit list It started off as an ordinary day. I uttered no less than 6,592 curse words and drank seven coffees before 11 a.m. School pick-up arrived as a jarring shock to my system, despite my having done the act approximately 11,440 times to date. I looked at my watch, shrieked, abandoned a work call mid-sentence, ran around in a circle 42 times, tripped over piles of unfolded laundry, grabbed my keys, an