It’s the End of the School Year and We Decided to Throw 53 Parties!

We just need a massive time commitment from you and the contents of your bank account

Dear Parents,

We know it’s a busy time of year for all, so we’ll try to make this as easy as possible for you!

We just need a few volunteers to oversee some end-of-year festivities. 22 per class would be ideal. You can sign up on this super complicated, AI-generated sign-up sheet!

To help make this time feel extra festive for the kids, please come up with some games for each class that don’t involve screens, non-recycled plastic, cucumbers, or the letter ‘W’. Teddy gets very upset when he hears the wuh sound. You may recall that little incident from last year.

We are also organizing a ‘yes day’ and a ‘maybe day.’ For the ‘yes day’ — we kindly request that parents bring in three 7 x 6.5 inch stuffies that are either green, yellow (yes it counts if they’ve been vomitted on), a sharable snack that ends in ‘art’, recycled Clearly Canadian bottles, and some gently used popsicle sticks. We have a really fun arts & crafts project planned, but won’t be able to do it without these exact items. You don’t want to let the children down, do you?

For the ‘maybe day’ we may or may not do a slip n’ slide, so we request that eight volunteers be on stand-by for the day in the event that we move forward with that. We may also bring in a rare animal petting zoo, so we ask that parents contribute $489 in case we move ahead. The money is not refundable, unfortunately. But remember, it’s for the children!

We’ll also need 16 volunteers for the petting zoo as many of the rare animals bite, kick, sting, or make unwanted advances. We will keep the kids and you in nail-biting suspense throughout the day. It just depends on whether or not they can pass their linear algebra class in preparation for 2nd grade.

Don’t forget, we’re planning to do a special lunch for the whole school! We ask that each parent bakes a non-dairy, vegetarian casserole using our surprise ingredient, Durian Fruit! Let’s get creative, together as a community! Since we have to fly the Durian Fruit from Borneo, we ask that each family contributes $378.99 to cover the cost of the fruit and their plane ticket. Can’t wait to see what each family comes up with!

It’s also that time where we need to collect some money for teachers gifts. This year we plan to send the homeroom teachers to Aruba for a month! Since that’s not a cheap vacation, we ask that each family contributes $2,392.56. This will include their first-class airfare!

For the specials teachers, we’ll send them to the luxurious Miraval resort in the Berkshires for a long weekend. We ask that you contribute $972.43 for each of our specials teachers. This year we have six total. This will include a 120-minute massage for them and their partner!

Lastly, we will be packing up our entire school in preparation for a move to a brand new campus next fall! We won’t be able to do it without you — our amazing, dedicated families.

Please get ready for some backbreaking, unpaid work where you will see the entire contents of our overpacked school splayed out in all its glory. You will be horrified as you comb through moldy bins of paperclips and used ziplock baggies, but the knowledge that you helped relocate an entire school with your own blood, sweat, urine, vomit, shit, and tears will be well worth it.

We’ll provide you with some leftover Durian Fruit casserole for your hard work!

HAPPY END OF YEAR, PARENTS!!