What Happens When the Easter Bunny Has One Too Many?

Chaos ensues and it forgets stuff

Easter always falls on a Sunday. Meaning the night before is a Saturday, most years. Good Easter bunnies stay home the night before Easter so they can responsibly fulfill their big, bunny duties.

These duties include: arranging Pinterest-worthy homemade Easter baskets, decorating every inch of their den in soft pastels, dyeing and hiding six dozen Easter eggs, then stuffing another 1,400 plastic ones full of sugary delights.

The bunny children get to bed at a reasonable hour so the bunny can lovingly hop around hiding colorful eggs in creative, thoughtful places throughout its den.

The Easter bunny in my house, however, somehow missed this memo, and decided to hit the bunny tavern hard with its husband, who did not have the same Easterly duties. The Easter bunny enjoyed itself immensely, but didn’t need that one last cocktail from the local tavern. It never does.

The Easter bunny and its spouse toddled through the door where they were greeted by two, fluffy, little bunnies who were wide awake at 11 p.m.

The Easter bunny’s husband tended to the little bunnies, while the Easter bunny tended to the pressing issue at hand — everything Easter.

The Easter bunny stumbled around its den trying to remember where the Target bag o’ crap was. Then, it remembered the bag was in a room right next to the little bunnies’.

The Easter bunny decided it made the most sense to slither on its stomach to this room, and in doing so pulled every muscle in its lower back and let out a shrill bunny scream.

Its partner came out of the mini bunnies’ rooms and stared, bewildered at the pile of fur contorted on the ground.

“What are you doing?” he demanded.

“Shhhhhh…I’m doing Easter bunny shit. Get back in there,” it snarled.

Once the bag o’ crap was was safely procured, and no more muscles pulled, the Easter bunny got to work.

It did not so much hop as it did stumble around with handfuls of eggs, candies and other Eastery things.

It also ate half the product, and threw away the evidence in plain sight.

It made two very messy Easter baskets, in a dark guest room at midnight like a sloppy Frankenstein.

The Easter bunny made a lot of noise and decided to take a quick nap before getting up to finish… three hours later.

By this time the Easter bunny forgot where the bloody egg it left off in the mess of a process.

The Easter bunny wobbled around trying to make heads and tails out of what was supposed to happen next.

The Easter bunny got distracted and instead decided to invent strange traditions on the spot.

Every Easter we shall wear paper plate hats. We shall knock on people’s doors and hold out our Easter baskets like it’s a spring Halloween — which is essentially what Easter is. Sorry Jesus. We shall sacrifice a worm. We shall perform a synchronized dance to Rap God.

Then, the Easter bunny got scary flashbacks to Christmas when it moonlights as Santa and starts to hyperventilate. No time for daydreaming. There is too much left to do.

The Easter bunny frantically shoved more candy into flimsy, plastic eggs sampling as it goes.

The job is more or less complete.

The Easter bunny now has to conduct its 12-step face routine before getting 15 minutes of beauty sleep before its big day, but at the last minute it decides to skip this. Full face of makeup to bed it is.

At 7 a.m. sharp the little bunnies come bouncing in to wake its groggy parents and to see the bounty from the legendary Easter bunny.

The Easter bunny rises, wipes away gobs of mascara from its eyes and smugly smiles at its handwork.

The Easter baskets may not be Pinterest-worthy — or photo-worthy, but the delighted squeals from the bunny spawn would suggest otherwise. Sure Easter bunny may have put the wrong basket in each little bunny’s spot, but names and identities, just like Easter baskets, are totally interchangeable.

The Easter bunny can kick its paws up and chill and watch the bunny kids run around finding all the hidden treats. The hard work is done and it paid off.

Then it remembers its mother is coming over for Easter dinner and it bought a giant slab of meat to cook and will spend 90% of its day tethered to the kitchen.

The Easter bunny decides to never, ever drink again, but then remembers its mother is coming.

Hope it was a hoppy Easter everyone — but not too hoppy.