Why You Want Me at Your Wedding

Move over Owen and Vince, there’s a new clown in town

You want me at your wedding. Trust me. I make a fabulous wedding guest. At least I used to. It’s been a pretty minute since I’ve been invited to one, but I’d probably make an even better one now at the ripe old age of not giving a fuck.

Sadly for me — but mostly for you — my wedding season has long since come and gone, leaving me longing for a good, old-fashioned nuptial celebration.

Let’s skip that boring ceremony you’ve been planning for five years that was rescheduled three times due to COVID. I don’t care if you’re planning to rap your own vows while standing on your heads. Give me a dance floor with your cousin’s neighbor’s brother’s auto-mechanic turned DJ any old day.

Unfortunately, there’s no one left in my circle, so I’ve been begging all of my friends to get divorced. One spouse seems so basic. Don’t be basic. Get a divorce and marry the first soul who compliments your ass. The rest is a wash, so I’m ready for my invite.

Why you want me as your guest of honor —

I eat, I drink, I dance, and I can talk to anyone.

Grumpy Aunt Betty in the corner with the perma-scowl? Nothing warms the heart of an old crone like ostrich in a bar jokes. You’re going to have to trust me on this.

Creepy Uncle Mo who gets a little handsy? Fear not. I’ll have him so drunk he’ll be passed out in the corner in no time. Now you can safely dance your hearts out, ladies!

I tell dirty jokes like the best of them. My friends don’t call me “inappropriate uncle” for nothing! At the last wedding I attended, I made the groom blush with my wedding night commentary — before I had a single drink! Just imagine the shit I’ll spew after several from your generous open bar.

Wondering if the open bar is worth it? Look no further for your answer.

I’ll even complement your sunflower-laden floral arrangements and ill-fitting bridesmaids dresses in toasted orange. Such a delightful color on almost all skin-tones except the living.

As for the food? I’ll eat it all and will ask for seconds so you know you’ve gotten your money’s worth. I’ll even eat the fish.

Next, I’ll clear the dance floor with my killer moves. Who doesn’t want to see a middle-aged woman attempt to breakdance in a dress only to throw out her back and moon the entire banquet hall?

You’ll definitely want a front-row seat when I get up to perform Slim Shady, followed by an operatic interpretation of In da Club. If you’re lucky, I’ll even try out some jokes from my stand-up routine that I’ve performed several times in front of my dog. He seemed to enjoy it.

I’ll also have a captive audience when I tell story after story about my wedding and you’ll be so grateful for the feedback I’ll provide in real time about yours.

Worried about keeping certain relatives separated all night? I’ll take them out back for a good old-fashioned fist-fight to sort through any petty grievances — like the time your mother-in-law called your cousin’s son a swampy ass toad licker. I’ll pack extra concealer to cover up the bruises so they’ll still be photo ready.

I’ve thought through everything. I’m wedding ready. So please, I beg you — invite me to your old roommate’s, sister’s, step-nephew’s colleague’s wedding. You won’t regret it and they’ll thank you ad infinitum, especially for being the one person who ordered the fish. You’re welcome!