Why You Want Me at Your Funeral

Expanding my services beyond wedding guest extraordinaire

Funerals are sad affairs. People typically wear black and speak in hushed tones or don’t speak at all. You may hear sniffles or the occasional nose honk. There are often eulogies about the dearly deceased’s unremarkable accomplishments. Eulogies about the dearly departed will be boring, long and formulaic.

You may struggle to find something interesting to say about Uncle Chester who worked as a soil infiltration tester and had a collection of hand puppets — other than those two facts.

It may be challenging to embellish Aunt Kay’s contributions to her community beyond her role as town drunk with the misfortune of rocking a permanent camel-toe.

Cousin Jenny’s affair with one of her current students may interfere with your ability to portray her as an accomplished, upstanding, exemplary pillar of society who met an untimely fate during a freak petting zoo accident. Who knew llamas had it in them?

That’s where I come in.

Not that I wish death and devastation upon you, but should tragedy strike and you need help embellishing a loved one’s painfully ordinary life — or need to spin the salacious details of your dearly beloved, I got you.

I will deliver a killer eulogy.

I’ll have Uncle Chester looking like Willy Wonka in three minutes flat. I’ll bring his collection of hand puppets and will perform an even more risque version of Avenue Q featuring Chester as an oompa loompa gigolo. His one-eyed cat Janice will also be featured in some tasteful kitty porn. I can’t think of a better distraction for distraught funeral-goers.

I’ll be fighting off Broadway offers left and right while you and your guests enjoy the show.

Cousin Jenny will look like Mother Teresa when I flip the narrative on that student affair misunderstanding. Tutoring students after hours and on Sundays at the teacher’s home is perfectly normal. She was just very concerned with his academic performance.

Dear Aunt Kay will be heralded as the town sage for doling out priceless tidbits of wisdom to all who passed by. As for the unfortunate camel-toe — she was simply a beacon of body positivity for women everywhere, celebrating all the body’s grooves and curves.

Sick of all the crying? I’ll tell x-rated jokes featuring Jason Kelce’s hairy gut and Eugene Levy’s eyebrows — together, in one joke. People will laugh so hard they’ll forget who died in the first place.

To top it all off, I’ll hand out Jell-o shots which will transport your guests to the dive bars of their youth.

So when your next loved one croaks — sorry, passes on — you’ll know who to call.

You can also count on my services for your your bris, bar/bah mitzvah, sentencing hearing, parole board hearing, bail setting proceeding, nursery school graduation, retirement party and more!

Happy mourning!