Poshmark Tells All

The real stories behind those second-hand goods

Ever wonder about the origin of those used goods you order online or purchase at your local thrift store?

Could you be rocking a dead person’s frock or a drug dealer’s old shoes? The possibilities are endless and endlessly creepy.

For the three humans out there wondering — here are some wardrobe backstories that may or may not be from my closet. Enjoy!

Size 37.5 Jimmy Choo kitten-heel pumps in excellent, pre-loved condition. From a smoke-free home. Minor scuffs on the back-right heel from normal wear-and-tear and from buffing out the blood stain leftover from the rat I impaled one evening after clubbing in New York.

Minor odor from stepping in puddle of friend’s vomit the same evening as the rat incident. I’ve included some Odor Eaters free of charge!

The bite mark on the upper-right toe box can be doctored up at your local shoe repair place. I’ve included the tooth of the sewer raccoon as a souvenir.

Make these beauties yours today! Reasonable offers accepted.

Vintage DVF shearling coat with a lot of life left! Has removable hood for convenient bank heists.

They don’t make them like this anymore — with enough chain mail detail to survive a Walking Dead style apocalypse.

Smoke-free home, though a faint, funky smoke scent may emanate on occasion.

This coat spent a lot of time at “coffee shops” in Amsterdam and that smell is really hard to get out. Inhale deeply into the left cuff for a “trip” down my memory lane. No extra charge!

This coat has been the the Van Gogh Museum — so you’re getting one cultured piece of couture!

Citizens of Humanity old-school bootcut jeans in moderately decent condition given what they’ve been through.

Missing the zipper and one of the back pockets. Minor fading throughout.

Unintentional holes in knees from failed attempts at breakdancing on the floor of every bar in Alphabet City. Holes are hot right now, so these jeans are on trend!

Brown stain on back right leg is just from sitting in something on the Subway. It has faded significantly over the years and you’ll look so fly in these, no one will even notice. Besides, they’ll be too distracted by the missing back pocket.

Make them yours today!

Gorgeous Vera Wang bridesmaid dress in soft lilac. Only worn once despite the 30 stains on the front and 42 on the back.

This dress captures the essence of what it means to be the best bridesmaid, despite the number of times the bride asks you to clear the dance floor before the father/bride dance. And then the mother/son dance. And the bride/groom dance.

This dress comes with built-in zero fucks to give about anyone else and now it can be yours.

Due to the heavy staining, I am going to refer to this dress as polka-dot print.

Dead grandma’s cashmere socks in like-new condition! She only got to wear these beauties once, on the day she died. She was not a smoker but did own six cats so there may be some cat hair and/or urine on them.

I didn’t want to wash them though because you know, cashmere! But if you take them to your local dry cleaner they should be able to help you get the stench out.

Brand-new cashmere socks retail for 10x this bargain price! These are cross-listed on various consignment sites, so I expect them to go fast. Make them yours (or give them as a gift) today!